abs0lute_xo

School is incredibly overwhelming.


Between having patients now and radiology alone I'm losing my mind. Not to mention the other horrible classes. I am exhausted. Shit, send me back to Iraq. Ha.

My unit had drill this weekend and we're preparing to do security for the inauguration now =D Even though I dread some of the things we have to do during drill weekends I always get excited about being able to see everyone. Somehow things seem to be hitting me a little harder now than it did when I first got home. When I got back to the U.S. I was exhilarated and so busy with things I hadn't been able to do for the past year in Iraq. I was also relieved to get a little time away from the people who I spent literally everyday all day with for 12 months.

Now, almost 7 months after our homecoming, things are slowing down and reality is setting in. The same people I was growing tired of when I arrived home in June are the ones that I feel a strong need to be near now. I miss them like crazy. It's hard to have become so close with people and trust them with your life for so long and then to suddenly go to seeing them once a month when I come home from school. I know every little thing about these guys and they've definitely seen me at my worst. I've been able to go and hangout with them a lot since I've been on winter break and I've never been happier. It's so comforting to be around them and know that they went through the same thing I did and understand how I feel. It is fun to tell all of the stories I have to my family and friends but they'll never relate to what I'm saying and I'm pretty sure they're tired of hearing about Iraq anyway. The story telling won't ever grow old with the people I was over there with.

I also don't enjoy college half as much as I used to. It's nothing like I remember it before I was deployed. I was genuinely interested in my classes and had so much determination. I'm still doing very well grade wise but it is SO hard for me to work up the drive to study ANYTHING. I go out with friends up at school and it's almost like we're from different worlds. I feel so different then these people and it's like I stick out somehow. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends to death and they're great people. It's not so much about them as it is about me. Yelena, a very good friend I was deployed with, and I always talk about what we think it is that is bothering us so much. It's not just me who feels like this, it's practically everyone who was over there. Yelena said something today that really made sense and is extremely true. She told me that no matter what she does, graduating from college for example, it will never top what she accomplished in Iraq. I have more pride for what my unit and I did over there then I will EVER feel from anything else. For or against the war, my company truly helped so many people in Iraq and really did make it a better place. We were not the crazed murderers that some people assume that soldiers are. We made friends there. Friends who would have gave their lives to protect us. It's like I'm depressed because I know that I will never do anything that compares to what I have already done. The "deployment junkies" as we call the guys who volunteer to go overseas over and over again are much easier to understand now. As scary and as exhausting as it was in Iraq, I miss it so much. Who would've thought, haha. I am so happy I went and it's something that I could never regret. You had a sense of purpose and worth over there. You know that you're making a difference and that you're needed. Then you come home to the same old world that you missed and loved so much only to find out that you're not the same person that you were when you left. People don't care what you've done and they don't want to hear your stories. They treat you as if you were just another person walking down the street. All of a sudden you're a nobody. It doesn't matter what you did, people don't give a shit. They're too worried about what they're going to wear that night and too busy worshipping people on a damn t.v. screen. Yelena told me that her mom doesn't like when she talks about Iraq and acts more proud of things like her grades in school. It's really upsetting Yelena because that's not what she is proud of and her mom, not purposely, belittles what she did in Iraq. That has to be a horrible feeling to get from your own mother. I just have no idea what I can do right now that will make me feel that passionate about something again. I'm not passionate about school anymore. The passion I had for school died as soon as I gave Binee and Nargis their first dolls and was able to teach the first true Iraqi Policewoman how to protect herself. Those things are one million times more important to me than a midterm will ever be.

I am not implying that I am completely unhappy with my life in general. I have amazing people surrounding me, including Andy, who has always been there for me. I think he wants to understand what I went through and how I feel so badly, but how could he? Just like I won't be able to understand how he felt while I was away. I'm writing this because maybe it'll feel better to get it all out and because it may help me remember how to be comfortable as a civilian again. I'm not looking to go back to being a "regular person" again because that will never happen and I have no desire to be one of America's regular people. If being normal means being oblivious to anyone else in the world besides myself, then count me out. A part of me thinks that after I graduate from college I'm going to have to work for a little while so that I can be secure financially and then take some time off to volunteer around the world doing something that I feel is important to me. I was thinking about going to Zambia to help with orphanages or maybe even providing dental care! I just know that I need to find more opportunities to do what I love or I will never get out of this funk I'm in.

This is a lot longer than I had intended and I could still go on for hours. Maybe I'll vent more another time. I'm done thinking about this for right now.

Have you ever wanted a Nikon camera? Or do you have one already?
No?

When someone sneezes, do you say "Bless you," or "God Bless you?"
Bless you

Do you ever look at someone cute, and automatically make a move?
No.

How many times have you been to Wal-Mart/K-Mart in the past week?
No.

What are two things you are excited to do in the near future?
New Years and finishing the semester

Have you ever seen the movie A Walk to Remember? Cliche' or worth watching?
I like that movie.

Do you ever put condoms in old people's buggies at the store?
No....

Name one reason you go to a pharmacy regularly for?
I don't.

What radio station could you not resist turning it to in the vehicle?
I flip through until I hear something good

Do you live in a house, apartment, or another type of arangement?
House in DE, and a duplex at school

Do you wear sweaters in the Winter or hoodies, more often?
both

Are you kind of a loner? Do you like being alone?
I enjoy my own company but I like the company of others too.

Usually, do you know everything or just some things your getting for Xmas?
Some

Do you think its bad for people to shorten Christmas to Xmas?
?

Are you one of those people who like to spell out numbers?
Sometimes

Do you have any dirty inside jokes with your top four friends?
Yes.

Is there an animal in the room with you right now? What kind?
No.

Do you put up lights around your house on the holidays?
Yes

What is one actor or actress that you cant stand to watch at all?
I don't know

Did you or do you still have a Furby? Was/is it annoying?
Yes and it wasn't annoying at the time.

Whats one event your town has that you dont like to participate in?
I don't know.

Are any of your siblings married? What are their spouse's names?
No.

Are you a picky eater? Whats one food you refuse to eat?
Mushrooms. Cooked ones anyway...

What is your father's job? Does he bring in money very often?
That was personal.

Do you hate nosy people who ask too many personal questions?
Yes

Name one lyric from the song you're listening to/the last one you listened?
No.

What is your wallpaper on the computer you're using right now?
Me and the iraqi girls

Do you have a fax machine? Do you ever use it anyways?
No.

Does your kitchen table have placemats? If so, what colors are on them?
No.

Do you know how to sew? Whats your favorite thing to sew?
Kind of.

Have you ever owned a turtle? Did it ever bite you when you owned it?
Yes and no.

Does your father have any creepy or scary friends you dont like?
No??

Who was the last person (if anyone) you said Happy Birthday to?
Wow. I don't remember

Do you have Photoshop? If so, how often a day do you use it?
yes. not often

What color are the walls in the room you're in right now?
White.

Has your school ever had a lockdown? If so, for what reason exactly?
No.

Do you enjoy it when your school has drills? (ex/fire or tornado drill?)
They never seem to happen.

Do you watch any shows that you know your parents wouldn't approve of?
I'm 21

Do you have any siblings who still believe in Santa, and are over age ten?
No.

What color were the last pair of headphones/earphones you bought?
White.

Do people call you a big mouth sometimes? Or more than sometimes?
Nope.

What is the scariest movie you've seen in your life? How long ago was this?
I don't know. The Strangers really scared me lol even though everyone else thought it was dumb.

Are there any guys who are 10 years older than you, that you like?
I should hope not.

********

Who was the last person or object you shared beds with?
Andy

What was your last fight about and with who?
I don't remember.

Where was your default picture taken?
iraq

Do you consider yourself a neat freak?
I'm a neat freak when it comes to my living room and kitchen. Basically the parts that people see when they walk in.

Do you have anyones clothes?
No.

Do you have a fish tank?
No

Last place you took a plane to?
Back to the U.S. from Iraq.

Would you tell a stranger if they had spinach in their teeth?
Nope.

If you found out you couldn't have kids, would you adopt?
Yes.

Have you ever lied about your age?
When I was really young probably.

Ever had an encounter with the police?
Not personally, no.

Last time you went out of town?
Last week.

Who do you most look like in your family?
my mom

Have you kissed someone with braces?
no

Do you have a hard time admitting you're wrong?
nooo

Do you like to travel by plane?
No, not at all.

Did you get enough sleep last night?
yes

Have you ever made out in a bathroom?
Yes

Has anyone ever hung up on you?
Yes

Looking forward to something this weekend?
Yep

Has anyone smoked in your car?
No.

Do you have any bruises?
Yes.

Do you find piercings attractive?
Some.

Who was the last person you sat next to?
My nephew

What is the worst subject they teach at school?
Oral Anatomy... next semester I'm guessing it'll be Radiography or Dental Embryo

If you had 100 dollars to spend on clothes, where would you go to shop?
Where ever I felt like shopping

Do long distance relationships work?
Andy and I worked out fine for the year I was in Iraq.

Where were you raised?
DE

When was the last time you talked to your number 1?
Today

What is on your bed right now?
me

Do you name your stuffed animals?
No

What's the last sporting event you watched?
Football b/c I was with the guys.

Ever collected unemployment?
No.

Your parents tell you they're moving to Mexico:
No they aren't

Would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?
rottweiler

What jewelry do you wear all the time?
usually my black diamond heart necklace, rings, and 2 bracelets

Have you ever had a difficult relationship?
Yes.

Ever driven into the ghetto to buy drugs?
LOL uh, no.

Are your ears gauged?
No.

How did you feel when you woke up today?
Tired.

Ever kissed someone who smokes?
Yes. Ew. I know.

What do you usually do first in the morning?
Go pee.

"I have personally experienced in my own life, having left behind the religion which my family is devout in, how religion can act as an inhibitor between humanity becoming close to each other. In the thousands of years that Christianity has existed among the white men, what good can really be said that it brought? How is humanity any better in its behavior when it didn't have Christianity compared to after it "practiced" Christianity? When has Christianity brought the brotherhood, peace, and love that it always espouses? What does it say about a religion whose followers in general don't act by the religion's own accords? It has been used to discriminate, hate, kill, torture, conquer, and exterminate people. When we no longer have a clean water system, cannot afford to eat every day, and political system becomes less and less democratic, will the legailization of abortion and same sex marriages still be the main issue to decide our future? Will people still vote people who are Anti-Abortion and Anti-Same-Sex-Marriages but who will make the poor poorer, the rich richer, lead us into more and more wars, and take away our freedoms? "


I have been having issues for a while now when it comes to religion. A part of me is envious of people who are so sure in their faith. I wish I could be that blindly convinced. I don't remember exactly when I starting having my doubts but it is not a recent thing. My problem is not whether or not God exists. It is having to believe that all other people who are not of my religion are automatically going to "hell." Having spent a lot of time with people, genuinely good people, who happen to not be Christian, I find it very hard to believe that because they were born into a different society and culture, that they will consequently be punished. And I am incredibly irritated with the belief that America is a Christian nation. Our constitution speaks of God, not Christ. And if Jesus truly exists and is who he said he was, I'm sure that he is more concerned with the purity and faith of each individuals heart rather than an entire nation conforming to a single standard. The notion that God loves America more than other parts of our world is absurd and hypocritical.

While studying and learning more about Islam, I find that it is an incredibly peaceful and accepting religion. There is a line in the Koran that states, "For you, your religion. For me, mine." It goes on to talk about how we're are all brothers and as long as we do good we will be rewarded in Heaven. The Koran actually accepts Judaism and Christianity as being valid religions. I venture to say that Christianity is just as accepting; however, it always seems to be the followers of these religious sects that make it seem otherwise. Like a quote says, "It's not God that I have the problem with. It's his people that I can't stand." People have taken something that is supposed to promote love and peace and turned it into an excuse for discrimination and war. Who can blame people for not wanting to commit to a religion?

I have so much more to say on this subject but I'll save it for another day. I'm going to be looking for a religion that I feel that I can believe it whole heartedly, if one exists. Can't we just have a religion that doesn't try to scare you into thinking a certain way and whose only commandment is to do good? I'm tired of the man-made rules that try to take away our freedoms.



Agnostic Prayer

Some feel your presence always
But you are hidden from me.
There are those who ignore you so that they can
pursue their heedless ways-
They curse, deceive, oppress their neighbors, make war, horde,
and get rich at the expense of others.
They think you don’t notice.
They say you love them anyway.

As for me, I can’t seem to be sure that you are present
or active in the world, what with all the forgoing.
If you love those who ignore you and use their lives for ill,
Do you love those who can’t find you, but use their lives for good?
I do try—I hope you see—but even if you don’t
That’s the connection I have to you and to your people.
Strengthen my heart for good, O God,
Help me to bring about your kingdom here.

Will you get married?
Yes.


When was the last time you smiled?
About, 5 minutes ago. My kitty is crazy.


Does anyone like you?
I would hope so!


Who was the first person you talked to today?
Andy.


Are you happy with the way life is going?
Yes, I am.



Do you miss the way things used to be?
I wouldn't go back but I do miss certain things.



Can you recall the last time you liked someone?
I "like" a lot of people.



Are you slowly drifting away from someone?
No?



What friend do you tell the most to?
Yelena. Without a doubt.



Which of your friends do you argue with the most?
None, actually.



Coach purse or NFL game tickets?
Right now, NFL tickets. Already have a new Coach.


Do you enjoy drama?
Hate it. Maybe when I was younger.



Your friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
Stay friends.



Who's the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Yelena or Brittany.



How was your weekend?
Busy. Drove to DE for drill and military holiday party.


Do you have a best friend?
I have a few. Only one who I would tell absolutely everything to.


What was the funniest thing that happened to you recently?
Hmmm... the funniest thing that happened TO ME? I guess my jacked up uniform at the holiday party. And my falling off ribbons.


Are you looking forward to anything?
Uh, I'll be another test down. My classes are brutal.


Do you say sorry first?
If I'm sorry, then yes.


Will you talk to the person you like tonight?
I live with him.


Who was the last person of the opposite sex you had a conversation with?
Andy. Was just in the car with him. Before that, Brendan.


Are there any stressful situations in your life?
Oh yes. Nothing that can't be dealt with though.


Have you held hands with anybody in the past week?
Of course.

Did you do something bad today?
Nope.


What are you doing this weekend?
Oh, it should be an interesting one.


When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
today.


Who was the last friend you saw unexpectedly?
Eric.



Did you get any compliments today?
Yes.


Have you kissed more than three people in one night?
Yep.


Who did you last tell you love them?
My kitten... haha.


Do you get stressed out easily?
No. I wouldn't say that at all.


Who last gave you their number?
Lindsey.


Have you ever been punched in the face?
Nope.


When will you dye your hair next?
Christmas break.


Did you sing today?
In the car, always.


Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn't?
Sure.


Have you ever hated someone as much as you love them?
No..


Something you wish you would have done this year but didn't?
Not too sure. I've done what I wanted to do.


Do you want to see somebody right now?
Not particularly.


The next time you will kiss someone?
today


Who's thinking about you right now?
what kind of question is this


What are you listening to right now?
tv


Do you like someone?
this was asked.


Is there someone you know you should hate, but you can't?
No?


Are you a forgiving person?
yes.


How clean is your room?
it's clean besides the clothes on the bed.



Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
closed.




Has anybody ever told you that you're too young to be in love?
No.


Did you learn anything from the last BIG mistake you made?
Yep.


Did you go outside for more than 30 minutes today?
not yet


Ever kissed in the rain?
yes.


Do you have any career ideas yet?
Obviously.


Happier on your own or with someone?
Well, I can be happy either way. I'm extremely happy now and I've been with the same person for over 2yrs.


What are you currently reading?
This.

Have you ever cried cause you were mad?
Yep.


How do you feel about changes?
Depends what the change is.


Do you think things will change next year now that you're older?
Well, I'll be in my last year of college... not too much will change though.


Is it easy for someone to make you smile?
Yep.


When is your birthday?
October 13th.


Have you ever cried while in the shower?
Probably.


You have to get a facial piercing, what do you get?
Maybe my nose.


Have you known any of your friends your whole life?
Pretty much.


Are any of your friends taller than you?
Yes.


What were you doing this morning at 8 am?
Getting ready for a final.


Do you like the ocean?
Sure.

Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
usually someone else.

So Meghann inspired me to make a little post with pictures, quotes, or anything else I like. It ended up being pretty long. I love the picture above this. I think it speaks for itself.


( I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad... )

Haha, Keleigh had me reading old journals from high school. Wow. I have changed SOO much, and thank God for that! How snobby and stuck up can someone possibly be! Don't get me wrong, I still love who I am and I'm still a confident person... BUT I do not walk around like my shit doesn't stink these days. I also make a huge effort to not take people I love for granted anymore. I haven't perfected that yet, but I'm trying.

So, me & Andy went to Frostburg to start moving our stuff into our house. We bought a new mattress and this big carpet to put down in our bedroom, which has wooden flooring. I have a bunch of stuff to still put on the walls and I just ordered the bed frame. Andy bought and put up extra closet racks/storage so I could fit all of my clothes without having a mess. The bed frame I ordered also has 6 drawers on the bottom for extra room. The amount of clothes I have is completely ridiculous. It's like every time I wear an outfit I have to go buy another one. I really need to make a stop at goodwill to get rid of a bunch. Our other roommate, Jake, is awesome. Andy and Jake lived together last school year while I was in Iraq. He's a clean person & we seem to have a lot in common. We both got a kitty last week!!!! =D I bought this beautiful persian/scottish fold kitten that Andy & I named Jaxon (Jackson). He is adorable & I'll post pics as soon as I find my damn USB for my camera! Figures! He is such an affectionate cat. He'll come wake us up in the morning by licking our faces -- he must think he's a dog.

I also bought Andy a nice spice rack for the kitchen. He's a really good cook and I told him that all I want for this birthday is for him to cook me a nice dinner and then go out for some drinks. The day of my birthday (Monday), I depressingly have classes from 9am to 9pm. Yes, that's right. I'm in for a hell of a year. I'll probably end up having a nervous breakdown, haha. Andy tells me I'll do great - but I'm preparing myself to be VERY stressed out. I've seen multiple people in the dental program breakdown crying over the workload... =[ Hey, I guess if I can handle a year in Iraq I can certainly deal with dental school. =]

As of lately, I've been getting doctors appt. out of the way and gradually packing up my stuff to take with me on the 20th when I move back to MD. I have to admit I can't wait to get back to the college lifestyle. EXCITING!!!

SO busy lately. I'm trying to get everything done so I'm ready once school starts again (so scared it's going to be too difficult for me). I'm extra nervous. I was more ready before I went to Iraq... now I feel like I'm different than these people... haha I feel like they know where I've been for the past year and think I'm weird or something. Whatev.


( I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face )

TWO MORE DAYS!!! Yes, I'm going to keep talking about it until I'm HOME. Not as in FT. Dix either - I mean in my civilian clothes, shopping at the mall, hanging out on the beach HOME.

( <3 )

ONE WEEK AND TWO DAYS UNTIL WE FLY OUT OF THIS PLACE!

I am SO excited! My parents got my "re-acceptance" letter into the dental hygiene program! I knew it was coming but it's still exciting to know that I'm finally getting to start something that I should have last year!

=] x 500,000


( Weekends are for the Warriors )

So, Andy & I found a place for next year when school begins. It's a house in Frostburg.. he sent me a video he took while walking through it so I could tell him whether or not I liked it. It has 2 bathrooms, which I love! haha. I'm excited. Like, really really excited.


( I can't wait to go home! )

84

haha, i have too much time on my hands.


SEVEN MORE WEEKS TO GO! I'll be flying back to the U.S. on the 25th of May.


=D x384238942947

And in good timing too. It's getting rough over here.


( this is long, but ppl should care a little more )

Time is winding down here. I'll be on my way home for good in about 8 weeks. I, of course, am excited to be leaving EXCEPT for the fact that I have to say goodbye to the family I've become very close with. I'm doing as much for them as I can before we go back home. I recently got them an air conditioner that we're going to set up for them next time we go there. I asked them if there was anything I could do for them & their dad, Jasim, just asked if there was anyway we could give them an air conditioner because it gets SO hot in there & summer is coming. I can't wait to see them - they'll be so happy to have an AC. I also got their mom a pretty green hijab with flowers on it, a manicure set and best of all, a beautiful painting of Imam Ali's shrine. I think she's really going to like it =D I just got my package from The Children's Place today with Binee & Nargis' clothes and toys. I got Binee this really cute yellow summer dress & some PJ's for her to wear to bed. I also got them a little doctor play set and pink doctor scrubs to dress up in (haha). They're adorable. My package from the U.S. should be coming soon with the presents I got for them while I was on leave. I got Binee and Bratz doll that you can style hair and put makeup on & a snow white dress up set. I got Nargis a pink guitar (a kids one) and a barbie activity (paint and color) set. I almost feel like their my own kids, haha. I wish there was a way that they could come visit me for like, 2 weeks a year. I know that's completely ridiculous but I wish it was possible. They would be able to go to a movie theatre for the first time! I need to stop thinking about things that aren't going to happen though.

Anyway, I am starting a mini fundraiser type of thing from now up until we're about to go home. I'm going to get together all the money that ppl in my unit are willing to donate and go to finance and get it exchanged to dinars (Iraqi currency). With that money, the family will be able to do a lot. About 40 U.S. dollars = 25,000 dinars. I know there are some neighborhoods around this area that have houses that are about $800 U.S. dollars. If I get enough money, maybe they could even find a better place to live. Ahhh, we'll see how it goes.

( The Enemy is Ignorance )